Vernando’s Map

Vernando is not Super good at drawing maps.
That bird thing is supposed to be a stirge.

Rodoh Cleric level 2

Theodora Magic User level 1

Vernando Dwarf Level 1

The party has answered Black Leaf’s request to explore the stirge hole beneath Witherhelm Keep. Rodoh is eager to try out the stirge mask. Is he too eager?

The answer is yes because soon after they get to the bottom of the well with the stirge in it he opens a chest with a poison trap and dies.

The part is able to get the gold and the scroll from the chest though.

They did come close to death. Rodoh was using the strige mask to control the stirge and keep them docile. When he died the stirge swooped down to feed on the party and their hirelings.

Vernando grabbed the stirge mask off Rodoh’s corpse, donning it just in time to hold back the stirge.

Theodora casts read magic on the scroll; it’s floating disc.

The party ignores some boring documents (ie important to the campaign) and pulls up a rug revealing a trap door.

By this point Sven the sexy torchbearer has charmed his way into a promotion to full party member (The two men-at-arms passed over for promotion to PC are a little demoralized)

The party squeezes into the crawlspace beneath the study (it’s the stirge study) and crawl into a cave system. The meet a kobold in a giant cavern covered in semiprecious stones. The kobold runs away from the party, their hirelings, and their stirge entourage.

The party take the path of least resistance and travel down a reasonably sized tunnel to the kobold lair. The kobolds are in the middle of a painting orgy (it’s like some shit you would hear about Andy Warhol’s factory). The party sends in the stirge to commit kobold genocide. It works. The party loots the bodies, only glancing at the kobold art on the walls.

The stirge are too full to suck more blood and the party becomes concerned that they now lack firepower to face the kobold king in the next room.

The kobold king is frantically trying to replenish his kobold society with his kobold harem. He gets enough eggs fertilized and then turns to face the intruders.

The party commits regicide and kills half his harem and then smashes the kobold eggs (war crime number 2).  The party did lose one of their hirelings. They name him so they can mourn him and then move on with their lives.

The party pulls back the tapestry behind the kobold throne and finds a door to a treasure vault they loot the kobold treasury.

Theodora casts floating disc. They load up the treasure and retreat.


The aftermath:

Sven gets upgraded to a male chainmail chick from black pudding #1

Servants of Blibdoolpoolp

  

Frequency	Very Rare
No. Appearing	1d4
AC	0
HD	15
Size	L 12’ tall
No. Attacks	2
Damage	1d12/1d12
Dexterity	2d6 + 2 (default 9)
Special Attacks	gaze causes insanity for 24 hours unless target saves vs. spells
Special Defenses	Dedicated to Blipdoolpoolp. Immune to charm/sleep/geas type spells
Magic Resistance	15%
Treasure	Magic nipple rings

Once they were men or Kou Toa dedicated to Blibdoolpoolp, they sacrificed their mortal bodies and their consciousness to be Blibdoolpoolp’s boy toys. These fanatics, fitted with nipple rings supplied by the goddess herself wait in their old bodies for Blibdoolpoolp’s call. When she calls out to them their old bodies are destroyed and remade into massive buff lobster-headed men in bondage gear.

They then carry out Blibdoolpoolp’s will whether that be foot rubs or destruction.

Anyone who puts on the nipple rings becomes a slave to Blibdoolpoolp. The rings will be worth 3d12 * 10 gp to anyone that is attracted to giant lobster-headed women.

One More Stupid Thing about Kobolds

Who they hang out with

Kobolds hang out with fire beetles.  The fire beetles glow a little giving the kobolds light to paint by. The Fire Beetles sometimes explode killing the kobolds. The Kobolds tie paintcans to the fire beetles. They try to get the fire beetles to stand still so they can paint with the paint by the light. 

The Kobolds of Portown

If the kobolds of Portown had souls they would be artistic souls. They paint. They also breed prodigiously. They lay soft translucent eggs. You can see the baby inside push at the walls, deforming the soft shell.

The Art

Their art is terrible. It is probably the worst art you will ever see. It is a clash of opposing concepts annihilating itself into a vacuous sucking void (sounds awesome but it actually sucks). Kobolds are chaotic evil but their skills are too rudimentary to move beyond primitive representational art; but they have an evil contempt for the figures; but they take an orgiastic joy in the process of creating; but they are nihilists bent towards entropy. All these conflicting and competing motivations are woefully underserved by the manifest incompetence of the kobold.

Don’t look to long at the art; don’t try to understand it; it will break you. Anyone who inspects the art longer than the time it takes to determine that it is worthless garbage will be drawn into its endless depths of infuriating and finally depressing shittiness. Make a wisdom check with a +1 bonus for each question asked about the art. If the check succeeds the character has gazed into the void and the void gazed back. The character will be at -1 on all rolls until they forget the painting somehow (magic, drinking, whatever).

The Babies and Sex and Stuff

You don’t know which kobolds are male and which are female until eggs start popping out. They have cloacae (so, you know, take a guess if that stuff is important to you). There is a good chance babies are going to be popping out as an affront to your bourgeois sensibilities and as potential missile attack. The eggs do not do damage but will trigger morale checks for all henchmen and hirelings who definitely did not sign up for this shit/are getting to old for this shit.

They will also eat the eggs and each other with nihilistic abandon. While being eaten they project nervous excitement. They seem gleeful and simultaneously distraught.

The Cross Dimensional Item Goof Up Chart

DM: Ok you have journeyed down to the lowest depths of the Lair of Zenopus. You enter what must have been his innermost sanctum. The walls are ardorned with gold filigree and tarnished silver mirrors, blah blah blah (insert DM ego stroking  read aloud).

Rothgar Al Murdersmasher: ...

Kapo Bin Plunderdunder: ...

DM: blah blah blah. Then something begins swirling before you in the center of the room first whisps of blue light mist begins to spread along the floor. The blue light takes on a ghostly form of what can only be the great wizard Zenopus himself! He points towards you and

Rothgar al Murdersmasher: I take out my proton pack and blast him.

DM: Your WHAT!?

Kapo Bin PlunderDunder: Yeah, he got it in Barney’s campaign as a reward for impregnating the slime princess.

Rothgar al Murdersmasher: Yeah basically, I can use it on any incorporeal being or undead and they are held per the hold monster spell but with no saving throw. It takes batteries so I can only use it 300 more times though.

Kapo Bin PlunderDunder: Yeah basically, it’s pretty neat. Then I use my sword, Bashar Bung Dooku. It’s like a light saber, basically. Its made of holy light and blessed by St. Cuthbert. I got it as a reward for wiping his mom’s but in Cullen’s campaign last month. It does 3d6 + 3 damage and double that versus undead or incorporeal beings.  

Rothgar al Murdersmasher: Yeah so basically, I hold the ghost and Kapo hits it while it can’t move until it dies.

Nup-Nup Loserfeet: Then I cast floating disc and we load up all the treasure. Fuck your Dungeon, you longwinded bitch!

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If this has ever happened to you when you are dming a flailsnails game and you’ve thought “wow, that didn’t feel very good. These players kind of ruined the game. I want to be the one to ruin my game!”  Here is a chart for you:

Every time a player pulls out one of these oh-looky-here-what-I have-from-so-and-sos-campaign-that-said-nothing-about items roll a 2d6 and 1d12. Look up the result on the 2d6 on the table, whatever is described there, that happens. If the Roll on the d12 is higher then the item also works as normal. If the number on the d12 is lower then the item doesn’t work and whatever number is on that d12, that happens too (unless it’s a 1 then it does nothing).

2	Changes the sex of every creature within 120’
3	The item is now chaotic and intelligent
4	Casts a random magic user spell with the PC with the longest name as the target. The level of the spell is the higher of the two six sided dice.
5	All damage dealt by the owner of the item heals for 1d4 turns  (duration known only to the dungeon master)
6	Everyone even the monsters and the gods now think the user owes them money.
7	The user 2d12 * 10’ in a random direction.
8	Everyone, even gods and little babies, know what the item is and they all want it.
9	The party switches bodies with monsters that are nearby
10	All creatures are replaced by monsters on the wandering monster chart for one level lower than the dungeon the party is on. (If the party is in town use the level 1 wandering monster chart).
11	Gold is invisible to the user of the item.
12	The item, it’s an aphrodisiac now.