The Cross Dimensional Item Goof Up Chart

DM: Ok you have journeyed down to the lowest depths of the Lair of Zenopus. You enter what must have been his innermost sanctum. The walls are ardorned with gold filigree and tarnished silver mirrors, blah blah blah (insert DM ego stroking  read aloud).

Rothgar Al Murdersmasher: ...

Kapo Bin Plunderdunder: ...

DM: blah blah blah. Then something begins swirling before you in the center of the room first whisps of blue light mist begins to spread along the floor. The blue light takes on a ghostly form of what can only be the great wizard Zenopus himself! He points towards you and

Rothgar al Murdersmasher: I take out my proton pack and blast him.

DM: Your WHAT!?

Kapo Bin PlunderDunder: Yeah, he got it in Barney’s campaign as a reward for impregnating the slime princess.

Rothgar al Murdersmasher: Yeah basically, I can use it on any incorporeal being or undead and they are held per the hold monster spell but with no saving throw. It takes batteries so I can only use it 300 more times though.

Kapo Bin PlunderDunder: Yeah basically, it’s pretty neat. Then I use my sword, Bashar Bung Dooku. It’s like a light saber, basically. Its made of holy light and blessed by St. Cuthbert. I got it as a reward for wiping his mom’s but in Cullen’s campaign last month. It does 3d6 + 3 damage and double that versus undead or incorporeal beings.  

Rothgar al Murdersmasher: Yeah so basically, I hold the ghost and Kapo hits it while it can’t move until it dies.

Nup-Nup Loserfeet: Then I cast floating disc and we load up all the treasure. Fuck your Dungeon, you longwinded bitch!

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If this has ever happened to you when you are dming a flailsnails game and you’ve thought “wow, that didn’t feel very good. These players kind of ruined the game. I want to be the one to ruin my game!”  Here is a chart for you:

Every time a player pulls out one of these oh-looky-here-what-I have-from-so-and-sos-campaign-that-said-nothing-about items roll a 2d6 and 1d12. Look up the result on the 2d6 on the table, whatever is described there, that happens. If the Roll on the d12 is higher then the item also works as normal. If the number on the d12 is lower then the item doesn’t work and whatever number is on that d12, that happens too (unless it’s a 1 then it does nothing).

2	Changes the sex of every creature within 120’
3	The item is now chaotic and intelligent
4	Casts a random magic user spell with the PC with the longest name as the target. The level of the spell is the higher of the two six sided dice.
5	All damage dealt by the owner of the item heals for 1d4 turns  (duration known only to the dungeon master)
6	Everyone even the monsters and the gods now think the user owes them money.
7	The user 2d12 * 10’ in a random direction.
8	Everyone, even gods and little babies, know what the item is and they all want it.
9	The party switches bodies with monsters that are nearby
10	All creatures are replaced by monsters on the wandering monster chart for one level lower than the dungeon the party is on. (If the party is in town use the level 1 wandering monster chart).
11	Gold is invisible to the user of the item.
12	The item, it’s an aphrodisiac now.