Power is the Inverse of Horniness The Definitive Paladin Class.

Part I: The Source Material

Here is the Book the Fantasy Terrain Around it Represents the Wreckage of Toxic Masculinity

A lot of lies have been written about Poul Anderson’s novella, Three Hearts and Three Lions. One of the most enduring lies is that it is a good book. It actually sucks. I read some other lies on the Internet too, mostly about how it was a relatively chaste book. This book is calcification terminal postwar nerd horniness. Despite being a poorly written manifestation of the writer’s sexual pathology, it is still an important touchstone in the history of rpgs because it is the inspiration for the paladin class.

I know some of you are going to have a hard time accepting my position on this seminal work in our hobby. That is why I am now going to give you, dear reader, my synopsis of the book after not having read it in a couple years and without going back to the book to refresh my memory. 

The book starts out, and almost everything I have read about this book leaves this out, not in the fantasy land of Roland, or wherever, and not even in Denmark fighting Nazis, but in New England. The story is not delivered by omniscient third party narration but an American engineer, who went to grad school with the hero. Before we hear about any heroic deeds, we hear about how this Danish dude got laid a lot in America and the narrator hardly got laid at all. We hear about how handsome he is and about how is not that smart or intellectual but has a physicality and sexuality that seems to intoxicate the narrator. It gets pretty homoerotic. The narrator has this vicarious excitement for the hero’s conquests that really give the impression that he himself has been seduced.

You may be thinking, “Herman, that is ridiculous. It’s not gay at all to obsess over how a bunch of chicks are attracted to a tall blond Danish man and about how his muscles ripple and such. Also, I think the Conan stories have no homoerotic overtones.” Sorry dear reader. You are wrong. It’s ok. You can read homoerotic adventure fiction and not be gay. Just stop being a baby about it and admit that it’s a little gay.

Anyway, after some talk about the hero was never political, just hot and such. We are informed of his supreme sacrifice; he gives up the nubile coeds of America to travel back to Europe to fight Nazis. Our narrator impresses upon us that he rose to challenge of history and chose fighting evil over getting laid (a lot). But, Our hero gets wrecked by Nazis and gets sent to fairyland.

When he wakes up in fairyland or wherever, he is next to his armor and has a magic horse. He has taken no oath nor become part of any holy order. Our narrator spent a good portion of a short book impressing upon us that our hero is not chaste and that we should either aspire to be him or be bedded by him.

Then he meets an underage virgin (who is hot by the way) and a dwarf. The dwarf is one of the few characters in the book that seem to not be trying to have sex with anything. He is almost instantly loyal to the hero along with the sexy underage girl who can turn into a swan. Also the underage girl is a creature of nature, who has no concept of marriage or statutory rape. She is down to bone.

Our hero however understands looking at her that once he bones her, he will be unable to bone other babes because he will develop actual feelings. So he goes on a quest to bone some evil babes/get a magic sword or something.

By this point if you are still reading and thinking, “this is ridiculous; this is not what this book is like at all. It is not about grooming underage swan virgins while going on a fantasy sex spree” I want you to know that you are wrong and I am right.

Let’s talk about the source of the hero’s paladin power, resisting the desire to have sex with evil women and monsters. We see this first when he is with the elf queen (yes, this is another source besides Tolkien of the bangable elf as opposed to the Santa’s slave elf). Any way the hero totally has sex with the elf queen. The elf king is kind of into and kind of pissed I think. The point is elves are libertines. The hero is about to be taken into the elf hole, or mound or whatever it’s called to be part of some opium infused interminable orgy when he realizes that he actually is in love with the underage girl. This underage girl love is pure enough due, said underage girl’s virginity that he is able to break free from the spell of the older woman who is definitely not a virgin and save himself.

A similar thing happens when the hero decides later on in the book that he wants to bang another sexy monster. It’s Nixie or a sea hag or something. He goes down in the water with her and is about to be trapped/defeated/killed by sex with a woman who is not an underage virgin when he remembers that he must save the virgin and by this point I think he has some desire to defeat the other woman who is not a virgin, Morgan Lefay by getting a magic sword. He uses this internal righteousness to escape the clutches of the forces of chaos/women who aren’t virgins.

Finally, there is a scene where the party of the hero, the virgin, and the dwarf (who has sort of an asexual father figure role) are in a cave and they are beset by trolls. The hero makes an impenetrable circle of protection. The trolls cannot cross. But, then something happens. Our hero begins to get horny. The hornier he gets the weaker the circle. The more he thinks about Morgan Lefay the closer the trolls get. He gets a boner!!!! He has let the virgin down!!! Don’t worry they kill the trolls anyway. I think a fantasy Muslim guy shows up? He does some model minority stuff that isn’t really central to the point of this synopsis. So, let’s skip past the part where the hero gets the sword.

Ok, our hero has now come to terms with the fact that he is in love with the underage swan. We get to the scene were they are having implied paperback sex. He says something like, “wow you sure don’t act like a virgin in bed!” She says something to the effect of, “I am pure yet some consumed by desire for you that it turns me into a freak and also I know a lot about sex despite never having had it I am both pure and sexually experienced and also very young. I am the ideal mate. That can only exist in male fantasies” He answers something to the effect of, “Nice, I guess you have now earned the right to possess me.” She says, “I now possess and control your mighty sexuality, the end”

The book actually sounds pretty awesome when I describe it and it is a fascinating look into the warped sexual politics of.... Well let’s not limit it you see this wild shit everywhere.

Part II: Here is the Most Authentic Paladin Character Class

Now that I have made my case I can now present the most authentic Paladin Class ever:

Fighting-men who have a charisma of at least 16 and a wisdom of no higher than 9 may become paladins. Paladins have the following special rules:

1.     Alignment: Paladins must be lawful good.

2.     Magic Horse: All paladins get a magic horse that can appear anywhere. It will always seem to come from behind some conveniently placed tree or pillar, when called. Under any circumstances where the horse would be killed it disappears in some implausible but dramatic fashion and can be called again 24 hours later.

3.     Henchmen: All paladins get one free henchmen who is absolutely loyal no matter what. This henchmen is the primary PC for the player controlling the paladin whenever the paladin is off having monster orgies.

4.     Horniness: Whenever the paladin encounters a monster/monsters he/she must roll under his wisdom + his level to avoid wanting to have sex with the monster/monsters. Monster sex and gender does not matter here our paladins are free from the oppressive heteronormativity of the novel. If this “horniness test” succeeds the paladin may act normally. If it fails the paladin leaves the party along with the monsters for 1d4 hours per hit die of monsters in the encounter. The paladin player can control his hencheman during this time. After the time has passed the Paladin shows up disheveled with tousled hair but otherwise not worse for wear.

5.     Circle of Protection: The paladin can create a circle of protection with a 10’ radius that no evil or chaotic being can cross. The circle is impenetrable to all spells, missile weapons, and other attacks except for charm spells. The barrier lasts as long as the paladin is not horny. Beings on the other side can collectively gyrate to induce a horniness test. Failing a horniness test under these circumstances does not lead to the paladin abandoning the party along with the monsters, but merely to the failure of the circle.

6.     Lay on hands: Once per day the paladin can lay on hands and cure 2 hp per level.

7.     At level 9 the paladin finds a partner, who is way too young and settles down.