Please Read my Review of The Witcher Netflix Show, Which I Should Probably Edit but Won't

A Still From The Witcher 

Many of us who aren't currently dying are stuck inside. Some of still have to go outside an risk infection to keep society sort of running. Those people have real shit to worry about. For the rest of us there are a bunch of articles about nonsense written by assholes, who haven't even done the basic research on inane crap they're writing about. Here is my blog post in that vein.

I have made it through one and a half episodes of The Witcher and it sucks. All the people who like it are wrong. Here is my review.

Now, I assume that a competent reviewer sits down with a note pad or something and pays full attention to a show and even takes some notes in addition to the doodles they make on the notepad. They probably look up the actors so they can say some stuff about other shows they have been in. That's a suckers game. I hate shows that demand my full attention. I don't know if The Witcher is one of those shows that demands my full attention because I wasn't really paying attention but, I doubt it because for the moments when I was looking at the screen, I was looking at crap.

First of all I had to turn on subtitles cause Brendan Frasier or whoever it was kept mumbling. Now Brendan used mumbling to great effect in Encino Man but here it really falls flat. Brendan's character displays the same physical superiority and sexual magnetism that he had in Encino Man but with the self seriousness of The Witcher it really falls flat.

Wait hold on I think I actually made it through 2 and a half episodes maybe. Anyway

The second episode even has some lute player guy who, and I never thought I would write this sentence in my entire life, is kind of a poor man's Pauly Shore. Instead of 'weazing the juice' he 'weazes' the truth to maintain the hegemony of the dominant class. That's right he's a reactionary lumpen closer to Rob Schneider's character in Judge Dredd than any charismatic lovable imp played by Pauly Shore. Also I am pretty sure that Rob Schneider is a reactionary in real life.

Also if you like looking at pretty stuff. The Witcher is a grey brown dull blob with dull muddy sound.

Now, I am going to spend a paragraph or two talking about Gerald the Witcher's politics, which are terrible. Let me check my notes, which are a series of unhinged texts I sent:

"The Witcher is sanctimonious reactionary(sic). Everyone mumbles on the show. The show looks like mud. It's humorless"
"Yeah i. said it. sanctimonious reactionary(sic)"
"SANCTIMONIOUS REACTIONARY"

Ok, I thought he was a sanctimonious reactionary. I wonder if I explain why.


"He defends people in power.  And the status quo. He would be a guest commentator on CNN."
"In the episode I'm watching he just told some workers not to overthrow their king. bad look."
"In the first episode he tells a hot chick not to get revenge on a murderous wizard. Tells her he won't get involved because killing some dude that vivisected young girls and tried to murder you is just as bad as murdering and vivisecting young girls"
"Then he intervenes to kill her and save the wizard who is in a position of privilege in society"
"after he said he wouldn't intervene."
"He is a liberal and the liberals always side with the fascists when push comes to shove"

HMMMMMMM. I am starting to wonder if my hatred of The Witcher has deeper routes.

"The second episode is even wilder. Some elves are trying to retake their land after being genocided and he gives them money to fuck off. A d(sic) they are like ok. Fighting for our land and culture would make us us as bad as the humans who killed us and took our land."

Then There is this Whole Other Plot, Which is Slightly More Compelling but Still Bad

No, I am not talking about the part with the witch school. That part is completely incomprehensible. I am talking about the princess whose whole city gets destroyed by some other people who I don't have any context for. Maybe making the whole war so inscrutable was an attempt to make the audience curious to know more but when everything is a jumble mess there is nothing to hold on  to. Anyway this part is tolerable because it shows class resentment, and people cursing the monarchy, which is good. The problem is you know it is going to wind up being lame. You can tell that the class politics are going to be used to educate the surviving monarch in how to be a enlightened ruler instead of a basis for societal change. Oh yeah, this plot is about the destiny of a young heir to a throne who must flee her kingdom to blah blah blah etc. My writing here is muddled and confused because frankly it was boring confusing and who cares. 

Anyway this show sucks. I could compare it to a bad overwritten rpg campaign since this is supposed to by a Dungeons and Dragons blog. So, yeah it is like that blah blah blah 5th edition sucks.