Thursday, August 1, 2019

Totally a review of Knight of the Living Dead by Allen Varney

Section 1 Spooky Introduction:

This is my Thursday Evening. the Cover is by Jeff Easley. The interior art is by George Barr.
George Barr is 82 years old. Jeff Easley is only 64.

All right. I'm drinking wine and playing this solo quest. Allen Varney wrote this. He seems like a cool guy. This book is from 1989. The introduction features to lovers presumably going to bang in a cemetery, when they are killed. Hold on, sorry they are just put to sleep by spooky ghosts.

It is even more metal now. I am dead and the Allen is describing how much  I hate the living. I am super jealous of the living. Time for a sip of wine.

Holy shit I am being eaten by a weasel. This could have really used an illustration.

Guys, I killed the weasel.

A quarter of a column later I am talking to the dead weasel. I really need a picture of this weasel.

The weasel just told me I'm undead.

I googled weasel skeleton. They are freaky

Guys! In this choose your own adventure you are a suicidal skeleton that talks to a dead weasel. Allen Varney is a god.

Section 2 There are rules:


Crap now there are like 2 pages of rules out of nowhere. I need to go get a pencil.


OK. I'm back.

Here's the deal I am an undead paladin with amnesia who rolls a d12 to hit stuff. I have something called a cerebricule (I have no idea what that is), a magical sword, and weasel skull(sorry buddy). I am trying to recover my memory and stop being undead. And I have 24 hours and I have to keep track of what time it is. Sounds great. Wait. it turns out I have 24 hours to look for the "staff of waterdeep".


Section 3 Introduction again:

OK, that was jarring. Back to the narrative though. A lich is telling me what to do. I have already finished my first glass of wine and I still haven't gotten to make any choices. Ok. the lich says i have to find the staff that can destroy it even though it is scattered around Waterdeep in 12 parts not hurting him. You're losing me Varney. Cool lich drawing though.

You can ask about most of the items in this picture, which is weird and didn't really move the story forward. 

Guys. A cerebricule is a magic shrunken head. Now I get to make my first decision. IT's to ask about the liches wardrobe and some other stuff. I ask about one of the rings on his hand. It's the lich's wedding ring. The lich is a chick; now I am finding out about her ex-husband. Varney is back in top form.


Section 4: Adventure Time


Actually time for a flashback where I recall my past life. Turns out the liches ex husband and I used to hang out. The weasel skull is starting to get annoying. It's a know-it-all. I'm treating this like a seder in that I'm pouring a second glass of wine.

This is the cemetery. It's pretty
I've been poking around for a while and the shrunken heads fake Haitian accent is starting to get ridiculous. It's about 40 minutes in and I have gotten the skull drunk in the Hall of Heroes and wasted an hour. The skull is singing in Haitian accent. I am sure this is offensive.

In this picture you can see the bottle of wine I gave to the shrunken head. 
Now I am at a theater with a shitty stand up comic ghost. Maybe don't buy this book. After reading about the ghosts stand up routine I was able to get a piece of the staff of waterdeep. I also lost 2 hp from listening to shitty jokes. Allen Varney is a psychopathic madman.


This is the depiction of Waterdeep. It's covered in sleep gas or else there would have been way more buildings to draw. 
I am going to take a break. Varney did too good of a job capturing the atmosphere of seeing a shitty stand up comic.













2 comments:

  1. Fun! I'd never even heard of this product before...!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's interesting it has the goofiness of an older TSR product, pretty great art, and the skull is a cool idea for an artifact.

      Delete

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