New Magic Item: Tergwyn Temmurbund's Translocatory Trousers

The sages think that Tergwyn Temmurbund was probably a pervert. He is hopefully long dead and only remembered an odd pair of pants that records trace back to him.

The pants must have been nondescript for there is no description of them, only this brief anecdote:

The wizard Temmerbund had not been seen for many years until one day he appeared before the baron of Witherhelm in his court. The baron had little choice but to grant an audience to the foul and eccentric wizard. The wizard did smell foul it is recorded and spoke little sense. The court grew nervous and confused at the Temmurbund's erratic behavior and disheveled appearance. He then spoke some gibberish words and began laughing before disappearing. Long after he had gone his smell lingered. The baron could not escape it and he could not figure out why. He began to feel something wet and discomfiting around his buttocks. He looked down and realized that instead of his own legging he was wearing Temmurbund's trousers and Temmurbund had soiled himself vigorously before switching pants.

Yup.

I was looking through some old notebooks and came across this magic item I never used. The notebook just say, "Magic pants that let you switch pants with anyone without them noticing when triggered by activation word regardless of intent." I decided to illustrate how they work by writing a story about a wizard that shit his pants.

Session Report: The Ship Builder and the Creepy Cum Monster

The Ship Builder and the Creepy Cum Monster

Our heroes, this time Herbert, Larchmont, and Theodora wake in their strong hold, have a brief conversation about how weird it is Zander won’t sleep there, eat breakfast, and opt to journey into the dungeon for the day to while away some time. Their fill their wine skins with far too much bourbon to be healthy for anyone and set out. 

Also discussed - the school, the local clinic, general welfare of the populous. As well as the Nigerian Prince scheme that Herbert is running with some trained carrier pigeons. The group has 5, currently. Only one bird came back with any money but it was more than 100 gold. The birds were sent back out again. (They are gone around a week). 

Along the way they rehire the three hired men - 2a, 2b, and 3. All have recovered from their previous mission into the dungeon and the spores that they were exposed to. 

The orphan, Abbey, remains with the group along with Theodora’s intrepid companion, Bart, the dog. 

The adventure begins with a visit to Nupo, an old friend, to check on him and his wares. And catch up on any gossip from around town that he may have picked up. 

Nupo is once again living above ground. He fills the team in on some news about Dwarves and the mountains, a possible dragon. But the group consisting of only 3 persons decides to save that adventure for another day. 

They request to use Nupos cellar to access the dungeon and are told to go right ahead. With a wave, they disappear below. 

At this time the travelers discover some flaws to their existing map. Tunnels leading to the wrong places, doors missing. And it is decided that the map could be flawed and they should to their best to find themselves while also exploring. 

Exploring turns up empty room after empty room. Though the map does come together somewhat during this time period. 

The troop heads back down into the passage ways and comes to a block of rooms that form a rough square. 

The first room the come to is an empty storage room. A second leads to a dim room filled with model ships. They slip through a door along another wall and enter a second room filled with similar models but in the middle sits a figure. It’s hard to make out any features. It is a wraith like creature swathed in cloth. And while he does not speak above a whisper the words seem to rattle around the groups heads in an eerie fashion that makes them want to high tail it right out the next door. 

Larchmont, however, has trouble with the door. And in the process of finally opening it, destroys some of the models. Theodora apologizes profusely. As the whisper hissing rises in volume. They escape and slam the door shut behind them!

The next room they enter has an unknown creature in it. He resides in the center covered in an ooze that immediately disgusts the party. It resembles cum. 

An attack is launched. Theodora casts light into the dark room to aid Larchmont and the hired men in their attack. And then web to hold the monster. It is killed through the web. 

I think one of the hired men died here...

A room is discovered with a spiral staircase leading upwards. Also some cloaks are found and taken by Herbert and Theodora to be altered to their size later. 

Up the stairs there in a mansion in ruins. It is not a viable exit. At the moment. But the three plan to tell their compatriots about the place. Then they can loot the mansion while also clearing a new entrance into the dungeons for themselves. 

The group runs into a mushroom elf who is kind enough to relay information to them on how to get to the third level of the dungeon. 

They finally find a new level! But by then it is late and the party returns to the surface. 

The end. Probably some other stuff happened. 

Also noted - never google the term Gwar cum monster if you’re in a public place.

- Theodora

The Gwar Room

I have that book The Towers Two by Dave Brockie and Jobe Bittman. You may have heard about it Brockie from Gwar was writing an adventure for LOTFP when he passed and Jobe Bittman finished it. It has great Gwar influenced art by Jeremy Duncan. There is something called a cunt whip in the adventure. It’s mostly very good and one of the sources for the megadungeon in my Witherhelm campaign. I have some page numbers written on my map that link up to entries in the book and when players enter that room I look up the encounter in that book. That works because I run games at home and can run to my bookshelf if I need to.

Last session I was not playing at home and the players did something they hadn’t done in months. They entered a Dave Brockie room.  I couldn’t look it up in the book I started panicking; I realized I would have to commune with him astrally. Here is my Gwar Room:

Gwar Room

In the Center of the room a creature undulates as it moves like skin stretched over shaking jelly it makes squishing sounds. Sebaceous fluid leeks from fissures in its skin (I actually pulled out the term ‘sebaceous fluid’ at the table everyone clapped.) The creature is wearing a Viking helmet; it is bulbous and malodorous. As it notices you it starts squirting sebum out its cysts into puddles the area around the monster grows slippery.

16 fascinum surround the monster in a large circle. They are made of gold and silver. I rolled a d12 to see how many were gold and got a 2. The gold ones are worth 2d6 * 100 gold and the silver are worth 3d6 * 10 gold each.

Stats for the Gross Boy

Move:	5’ / turn	Alignment:	Chaotic Evil
Hit Dice:	6	Attacks:	1/ Special
Armor Class	4	Damage:	1d6
Treasure Type	Special (penis statues)	Dexterity:	16

He’s a gross looking tentacled monstrosity, the embodiment of a mix between pubescent male id and pubescent male acne.

When the Gross Boy becomes aware of other creatures he starts shooting eczema or something in puddles all around him. Anyone wishing to approach him must make a dexterity check or slip in the puddles.

He will lash out with tentacles in combat for 1d6 damage. When he is to half his hitpoints he begins vomiting in a cone that is 15’ long and 10’ in diameter at its base. All caught in the vomit’s path must save vs. breath weapon or take 1d6 dmg and must make a dexterity check to take any action. A failure indicates they have slipped in the vomit covering them.