Session Report: The Day The Mule Died

This week in the intrepid adventures of a mad bad wizard, a paladin, and some really small people with exceptional skills...

Zander, Larchmont, and Theodora decided after breakfasting at the stronghold to venture out into the dungeon. 

They opted to use the more well known entrance through the local public house rather than the recently discovered entrance into a “new” part of the dungeon. The group, worried about size (in more ways than one), minus Lister (and his zombie hoard) were concerned about the number of monsters they encountered in the new dungeon and opted for more well traversed ground. 

They took with them the three remaining (living) hired men, Theodora’s dog Bart, their pack mule (Flo), and the orphan girl they shelter, Abbey. 

As they still had not recovered the icons requested by the skeletal leader of the corpse worshiping cult they hoped to slip past him. But in a strange twist of fate he is now the bartender in the aforementioned public house. However the group muttered an apology and he waved them off with a grunt. And so all continued on their way.

Larchmont recommended staking the door open to the bar cellar, into the dungeon, for easy access. This was quickly rebuffed as those in the bar really didn’t want to deal with wandering monsters in their basement hiding amidst the kegs, bar nuts, and pickles (of ALL kinds).  

The group respects this. 

They do however end up in a very long discussion of exactly how one stakes open a door. And what a stake even looks like. Even though they were holding one. Larchmont arguing that one could use a stake like a door stop and Zander saying it pinned the door open (and made noise). 

In the end it was decided it could be a door stop. 

The dungeon, in the time that had passed since the group had last been there, had entirely filled with the wet, squishy, yellow carpet like mold. It covered the ceiling, walls, and floor. 

Like a filled tube. (Oh yeah)

As the group walked into the corridor, planning to fill a skin with the pure water from a font at the end of the corridor, they hear a sloshing noise. Like steps in the mold. 

Zander, being the quickest and most nimble, ran to do the task.

Within seconds the group were confronted by four mushroom headed creatures. 

Larchmont stepped forward, holding a dagger, and threatened the creatures who did the mushroom version of shitting themselves. They released spores into the air. 

Of course they weren’t normal spores. The party, aside from Theodora (who was unaffected) and Zander (who was a good ten feet further away) collapsed to the ground. 

Luckily they were not dead! 

Zander tossed the healing water to Theodora who forced Larchmont to drink it. He was revived! He then decided to give it to the animals as the water only helps “good” people (and by connection animals) and all animals are good at their base. WRONG. The dog, Bart, WAS a good boy, so he was saved. The mule was more neutral than the group had known and the water caused it to gag and die. 

At this time it was decided NOT to give the water to anyone else they didn’t actually KNOW the alignment of. 

The conscious part of the group realized that the they had inhaled a hallucinogenic substance and anyone not able to drink the water was, for lack of a better term, tripping balls. 

Abbey, the orphan girl

Hired Man 3

Hired Man 2a

Hired Man 2b

Unfortunately the others were hard to manage in their state. And only Abbey and one Hired Man (3) could be lured away with Theodora’s promise of cookies. Hired Man 2a wandered toward the font. Hired Man 2b was lured in my the mushroom men. 

The rest of the group fled, slamming the door behind them, Larchmont carrying what he could from the body of the dead mule who they had divested of their goods, planning to return for the corpse and other items later. To give Flo either a proper burial (Zander) or eat her meat (Theodora) because psychedelic meat is better than no meat in these times. 

Theodora was holding a bit of a grudge over the dead mule WHO WAS LIKE FAMILY to her. And their main source of carrying items as two members of the party are under 4 feet tall (3 when Herbert is with them). 

Larchmont’s whinging over the carrying of just some of Flo’s load stirred the anger of the gnome woman. 

Moving further into the dungeon they determined to find another way into the unknown section of dungeon they wanted to search. 

First they found an old storage room with NOTHING in it. 

Then they entered the corridor where they had met the Gelatinous Cube, leading to Larchmont losing his arm (maybe? People weren’t sure) and Theodora dying (when she was a human, before being resurrected as a gnome), they finally passed through the door they had been unable to open that day. 

Inside was quite a sight. A desiccated goblin gnawing on months old corpses. It’s mouth a mess of gore. It eyed them warily but did not attack. 

Larchmont, in the way of a noble paladin, offered the beast fresher meat...

And Theodora realized he meant Flo.

Theodora argued. 

Theodora was ignored.

That’s what happens to the only woman in the party. Especially when she’s 3 feet tall. Next time she will learn a revenge spell. Then they’ll pay attention. 

Larchmont lured the goblin zombie-like creature back to the corridor with the mushroom men and the moment the door opened the spores spilled through. Larchmont and the creature were hit immediately. Zander and Theodora stayed well back and were safe. 

At this time an in depth discussion was had between the Halfling and the Gnome. Whether they should bother saving Larchmont or leave him to his psychedelic mushroom fate. 

It was then noted that Larchmont and the gore covered zombie goblin were kissing. Deeply. Tongue writhing, spit swapping, deep kissing.  

The others tried to contain their utter disgust and not puke. 

It was noted that the two hired men that had been unwilling to follow the group were engaged in a similar activity over by the mushroom men. 

Finally, it was decided that Larchmont was big and strong and was better as an alive meat shield than a dead fighter. So Zander crept off in the lead of the group who went and collected MORE pure healing water. 

They dumped it on the slobbering dueling mouths of the two. Larchmont instantly came back to himself. The zombie’s face on the other hand, as he was not a good guy, immediately began to dissolve in the most disgusting way possible. 

It was then that Larchmont knew what he had done, been doing, with the creature. He briefly dry heaved and then repeated stabbed the creature. It didn’t really die but eventually fell to the floor, it’s face a mass of goo, it’s body dissected, but was it truly gone? Who knew. The party slammed the door closed. AGAIN. And moved back down the corridor. 

It was noted that Hired Man 2b had wandered off and possibly exited the dungeon in his hallucinating state. 

Quickly they returned to the room of the half eaten rotted corpses and Theodora, enterprising gnome that she is, went through their pockets, finding 45 gold pieces. The others stayed away due to their dainty sensibilities and the stench and Larchmont was still trying to spit up zombie taste and get it out of his mouth. 

The group passed through the room’s only door finding another room FILLED with naked goblins lying quietly on the floor in corpse pose. While their eyes tracked the group, none moved. 

Zander nimbly scaled the walls to examine the space. Another door was found and the group crossed the room between the goblins. Again, none moved. 

The room they found though was nothing but a glorified closet. Theodora was annoyed. Larchmont insisted there would be a secret door. 

As he searched, crawling along the stone floor, staring at every little crack, thinking he had found something and finding it was nothing, Theodora amused herself by picking up the scattered papers on the floor. Which turned out to be drawings of goblins in a variety of yoga and other tantric like poses. Zander made light of the moment creating flip books with the pictures to the delight of the two. They rolled them up and placed them within her cloak for later perusal. 

Larchmont finally gave up, acknowledging that they were in a glorified closet, and the party departed. 

They headed on to another door which was further down another corridor. It was locked. Strange. 

Blowing the door up was discussed. Picking the lock was discussed. Lighting it on fire was discussed. In the end it was opened and behind the door was a mass of rubble. And what looked like pieces of a castle that had fallen through the earth. 

The party felt it could have been the armory and it had fallen down during the destruction of the town. It was decided it would not be safe to go further. And as Larchmont had an appointment to keep on the outside, the group returned to the surface, once more muttering as they passed the skeleton man who they STILL owed 4 idols (3 of which are still lost and one is totally stuck). 

Theodora later showed Xylarthan, the magic user who resurrected her and who teaches her further, more impressive, magic, and he was enthralled. He offered 460 gold pieces for the pages which Theodora happily took and shared among the party. 

So in the end...

Treasure - 505 gold pieces

Death toll - Florence (Flo) the Mule, the last GODDAMN pack animal in the whole godforsaken town. So no replacing her. And we still have a number of party members who are 4 feet tall and under and can’t actually carry shit. But I’m not mad about it... 

Currently Lost - Hired Man 2a (in the dungeon)

Hired Man 2b (escaped the dungeon?)

The end,

Theodora

At this time it was decided NOT to give the water to anyone else they didn’t actually KNOW the alignment of. 

The conscious part of the group realized that the they had inhaled a hallucinogenic substance and anyone not able to drink the water was, for lack of a better term, tripping balls. 

Abbey, the orphan girl

Hired Man 3

Hired Man 2a

Hired Man 2b

Unfortunately the others were hard to manage in their state. And only Abbey and one Hired Man (3) could be lured away with Theodora’s promise of cookies. Hired Man 2a wandered toward the font. Hired Man 2b was lured in my the mushroom men. 

The rest of the group fled, slamming the door behind them, Larchmont carrying what he could from the body of the dead mule who they had divested of their goods, planning to return for the corpse and other items later. To give Flo either a proper burial (Zander) or eat her meat (Theodora) because psychedelic meat is better than no meat in these times. 

Theodora was holding a bit of a grudge over the dead mule WHO WAS LIKE FAMILY to her. And their main source of carrying items as two members of the party are under 4 feet tall (3 when Herbert is with them). 

Larchmont’s whinging over the carrying of just some of Flo’s load stirred the anger of the gnome woman. 

Moving further into the dungeon they determined to find another way into the unknown section of dungeon they wanted to search. 

First they found an old storage room with NOTHING in it. 

Then they entered the corridor where they had met the Gelatinous Cube, leading to Larchmont losing his arm (maybe? People weren’t sure) and Theodora dying (when she was a human, before being resurrected as a gnome), they finally passed through the door they had been unable to open that day. 

Inside was quite a sight. A desiccated goblin gnawing on months old corpses. It’s mouth a mess of gore. It eyed them warily but did not attack. 

Larchmont, in the way of a noble paladin, offered the beast fresher meat...

And Theodora realized he meant Flo.

Theodora argued. 

Theodora was ignored.

That’s what happens to the only woman in the party. Especially when she’s 3 feet tall. Next time she will learn a revenge spell. Then they’ll pay attention. 

Larchmont lured the goblin zombie-like creature back to the corridor with the mushroom men and the moment the door opened the spores spilled through. Larchmont and the creature were hit immediately. Zander and Theodora stayed well back and were safe. 

At this time an in depth discussion was had between the Halfling and the Gnome. Whether they should bother saving Larchmont or leave him to his psychedelic mushroom fate. 

It was then noted that Larchmont and the gore covered zombie goblin were kissing. Deeply. Tongue writhing, spit swapping, deep kissing.  

The others tried to contain their utter disgust and not puke. 

It was noted that the two hired men that had been unwilling to follow the group were engaged in a similar activity over by the mushroom men. 

Finally, it was decided that Larchmont was big and strong and was better as an alive meat shield than a dead fighter. So Zander crept off in the lead of the group who went and collected MORE pure healing water. 

They dumped it on the slobbering dueling mouths of the two. Larchmont instantly came back to himself. The zombie’s face on the other hand, as he was not a good guy, immediately began to dissolve in the most disgusting way possible. 

It was then that Larchmont knew what he had done, been doing, with the creature. He briefly dry heaved and then repeated stabbed the creature. It didn’t really die but eventually fell to the floor, it’s face a mass of goo, it’s body dissected, but was it truly gone? Who knew. The party slammed the door closed. AGAIN. And moved back down the corridor. 

It was noted that Hired Man 2b had wandered off and possibly exited the dungeon in his hallucinating state. 

Quickly they returned to the room of the half eaten rotted corpses and Theodora, enterprising gnome that she is, went through their pockets, finding 45 gold pieces. The others stayed away due to their dainty sensibilities and the stench and Larchmont was still trying to spit up zombie taste and get it out of his mouth. 

The group passed through the room’s only door finding another room FILLED with naked goblins lying quietly on the floor in corpse pose. While their eyes tracked the group, none moved. 

Zander nimbly scaled the walls to examine the space. Another door was found and the group crossed the room between the goblins. Again, none moved. 

The room they found though was nothing but a glorified closet. Theodora was annoyed. Larchmont insisted there would be a secret door. 

As he searched, crawling along the stone floor, staring at every little crack, thinking he had found something and finding it was nothing, Theodora amused herself by picking up the scattered papers on the floor. Which turned out to be drawings of goblins in a variety of yoga and other tantric like poses. Zander made light of the moment creating flip books with the pictures to the delight of the two. They rolled them up and placed them within her cloak for later perusal. 

Larchmont finally gave up, acknowledging that they were in a glorified closet, and the party departed. 

They headed on to another door which was further down another corridor. It was locked. Strange. 

Blowing the door up was discussed. Picking the lock was discussed. Lighting it on fire was discussed. In the end it was opened and behind the door was a mass of rubble. And what looked like pieces of a castle that had fallen through the earth. 

The party felt it could have been the armory and it had fallen down during the destruction of the town. It was decided it would not be safe to go further. And as Larchmont had an appointment to keep on the outside, the group returned to the surface, once more muttering as they passed the skeleton man who they STILL owed 4 idols (3 of which are still lost and one is totally stuck). 

Theodora later showed Xylarthan, the magic user who resurrected her and who teaches her further, more impressive, magic, and he was enthralled. He offered 460 gold pieces for the pages which Theodora happily took and shared among the party. 

So in the end...

Treasure - 505 gold pieces

Death toll - Florence (Flo) the Mule, the last GODDAMN pack animal in the whole godforsaken town. So no replacing her. And we still have a number of party members who are 4 feet tall and under and can’t actually carry shit. But I’m not mad about it... 

Currently Lost - Hired Man 2a (in the dungeon)

Hired Man 2b (escaped the dungeon?)

The end

Theodora

Dictated but not read..

(sent from my iphone)

Do the Hirelings of Clargarser Still Want to Work for the Party after a Party Member Shot and Killed one of Them by Accident

So in the last session one of the PC’s fired his bow into a melee and killed one of the hirelings. Normally there is a paladin in the party and these things don’t happen; but this time there wasn’t and it did. The question is how this effect morale and the ability to attract hirelings in the future.

The first thing we have to figure out is whether the other hirelings saw the death of their comrade. Now it was dark and the hallway was pretty crowded. There were about five figures in between the hirelings. So, I am going to assign the base chance for a hireling to see a friend getting shot by one of their bosses at 15% and I am going to make that cumulative. So three hirelings have a 45% chance on noticing the OSHA violation.  Then I am going to subtract 5% for each intervening character. There was a pigman, two magic users, a mule and an orphan. That is minus 25%, so there is a 20% chance that henchmen saw the death.

Let’s Roll. I Got a 79. Everything is good so far.

The next issue is that after two hirelings were killed they were then raised from the dead as zombies along with a bunch of goblins by the evil magic-user in the party.  This creates two issues:

1: It provides ample opportunity to notice that one of the dead hirelings has an arrow sticking out of him that looks suspiciously like the arrows that one of the PCs use.

2: Seeing your former comrades animated into hollow mockeries of life and forced to do battle along side the goblins that killed them is unsettling (I would imagine).

I am going to say that each hireling had a 30% chance to notice the arrow over the course of the rest of the adventure let’s roll:

Ok I rolled a 20,

            

27,

and a 38. Two guys noticed. That’s not good.

Next we need to figure out how much these guys care about their comrade dying. Unfortunately, the henchmen in Clargarser have a lot of solidarity because they are all in the same religious cult and they also have class-consciousness because of the teachings of the Marxist paladin. On the other hand their cult is called the Corpse Worshippers so this might actually be a mitigating factor. I am going to say there is a 70% chance this is a good thing. 

I rolled another 38; that means corpse worshippers like being raised as zombies.

In conclusion: murder is bad but being raised as undead is good. The three surviving henchmen also got paid 238gp for their trouble. I am going to call it a wash and say that henchmen will not get harder to recruit unless it happens again.

Session Report: The New Dungeon Entrance

Today’s adventure began with finding a new dungeon/dungeon entrance. This was found some time ago by Belree the Antiquarian while searching for a chair Nese Geard Tower. The group - Zander, Lister, and Theodora - decide to set out and explore the staircase entrance. 

They travel to the tavern and recruit some men to fight for them. 4 Hired Men (3, 2a, 2b, and 1). And the Fighter from their last foray into the dungeon re-upped. After the passing of Moe last time it was decided that a new orphan would be taken in, cared for, and given charge of the mule in the dungeon. The orphan chosen was Abbey. 

Moving into the dungeon, or what we assumed to be the dungeon. The stairwell is wooden and has rotted through but it is decided that Zander will check out the space below with his climbing skills. 

When it was determined that the coast was clear the entire party (which included the 3 adventurers, 4 hired men, the orphan, the mule, and Bart the dog) traveled through a dimension door opened by Lister into the room below. 

The room was rough hewn and clearly older than a basement with small animal scratches on the walls. 

The party travelled forward encountering a small but rude/rowdy group of goblins who got into some word play with the group. After a brief scuffle involving Zander and a well shot arrow the goblins retreated. The group followed, coming upon a Goblin orgy/party. It was unpleasant to witness and the group retreated quickly placing Hold portal on the door. 

They continued, finding a door with two Pigmen and another group of goblins. 

The adventurers attacked, beating back the 4 with magic and weapons. Another group of goblins (5 of them) approached from behind. Once close enough Lister cast a webbing spell which trapped the goblins. They were subsequently lit on fire and killed. In the end the pig men, goblins, and 1 hired man (our repeat offender) succumbed to wounds. They pig men and goblins took out all of their anger on Zander, who survived but at a loss of quite a few hit points. 

Lister acted quickly, bringing all ten back to life as zombies!

With now a very large company the team set off again. They entered the room and found a filthy mess that looked as if another orgy had just finished in there. They looked under a Once nice rug and found only a “clean spot”. There was an ivory scepter taken by Lister that reeked of bad goblin sex. As well as a chest, the contents were removed and loaded on the mule. 

Theodora removed silver nipple rings from the pigmen’s nipples and pocketed them. 

They again encountered a door and on the other side could hear what sounded like goblins. Nasty, teasing goblins, playing games. The door was opened and it was quickly decided that they were in fact Bugbears. The door was then closed. When it was opened again the Bugbears were gone. 

The team then followed, traveling through a room that was actually a very large toilet. The orphan girl, Abbey, begins to lose her stomach (and her sanity). 

Through the room there was another door, which lead to a crossroads. To the left was the orgy room of the Goblins. Some of these venture out and begin humping and molesting their dead prior compatriots. Stating, “We mate for life.” Perhaps they did not know they were zombies. Maybe they didn’t care. To the right, the Bugbears. And straight ahead was another room where only the strong sound of wind could be heard. 

Following that path the company finds an unusual octagonal room behind use bronze doors emblazoned with snakes. In the center is a coiled snack as wide and thick as a man. And it is hungry. 

In exchange for their safe exit, the team promised the snake fresh meat (after it rejected the initially offered zombie corpse). Hired Man (#1) stays behind as “collateral” and the group imagines they will never see him alive again. 

The plan was for Theodora to charm the Goblin leader/king and lure him and thus his followers to the giant snake. On the way however they encounter a Flesh Gollum! The Gollum is fairly simple and just shambling along. The team lure him back toward the snack room and offer him up instead. 

The snake doesn’t love it but it too hungry to refuse. 

During his food processing, the snake is distracted by satiation. The team uses this time to skirt around the room and through another door. The door lead to another hall and a room filled with dedicated ancient snakes. Smaller ones, like garter snakes. And on the other side of the door at the other end of the room was a female goblin. A magic user. 

The group attacks and somewhat quickly defeats her. From her body they take ivory candlesticks (6), some wet fleshy scrolls (Lister), 8 golden nuggets shaped like heads (Theodora and Lister), and a metal ring of unknown origin (Theodora). 

From here they decide it is best time to leave and use the dimensional doorway to arrive above once more, ending the journey. 

Casualties from the party:

2 Hired Men. 

The Orphan’s sanity. 

3 Zombies (7 remain). 

The Man I Wanted to See is Dead

I don't like to talk about non-rpg adjacent stuff on this blog but right now I feel like screaming into the void about something.

There was this band called the Silver Jews and they held a mythical status in my mind long after I thought I could no longer feel like bands were made of mythical people or held mythical importance. The Silver Jews were really just one guy named David Berman. He was a guy I admired unironically and without reservation long after I thought I had forgotten how to be sincere forthright in my feelings.

He died yesterday. I had tickets to see him this coming Monday in Philly. I really related to his new album for personal reasons. Today I realized his album was probably a suicide note. Maybe it wasn't I'll probably never know. I might never know how he actually died although I think that everyone who cares has a pretty good idea. Maybe it was a heart attack or he choked or something. I don't know it that would make me feel better or worse.

This feels worse than when Kurt Cobain died. When Kurt died I couldn't really relate to dying. In the intervening decades though my mother has died and my estranged father has had a stroke. I've begun to feel old and I can imagine my own death with greater clarity and certainty.

I returned my ticket to the venue today and got my money back. It felt shitty.

There's a lot of horrible stuff going on right now. Stuff that is way worse; but this really hit me.

Totally a review of Knight of the Living Dead by Allen Varney

Section 1 Spooky Introduction:

This is my Thursday Evening. the Cover is by Jeff Easley. The interior art is by George Barr.
George Barr is 82 years old. Jeff Easley is only 64.

All right. I'm drinking wine and playing this solo quest. Allen Varney wrote this. He seems like a cool guy. This book is from 1989. The introduction features to lovers presumably going to bang in a cemetery, when they are killed. Hold on, sorry they are just put to sleep by spooky ghosts.

It is even more metal now. I am dead and the Allen is describing how much  I hate the living. I am super jealous of the living. Time for a sip of wine.

Holy shit I am being eaten by a weasel. This could have really used an illustration.

Guys, I killed the weasel.

A quarter of a column later I am talking to the dead weasel. I really need a picture of this weasel.

The weasel just told me I'm undead.

I googled weasel skeleton. They are freaky

Guys! In this choose your own adventure you are a suicidal skeleton that talks to a dead weasel. Allen Varney is a god.

Section 2 There are rules:

Crap now there are like 2 pages of rules out of nowhere. I need to go get a pencil.


OK. I'm back.

Here's the deal I am an undead paladin with amnesia who rolls a d12 to hit stuff. I have something called a cerebricule (I have no idea what that is), a magical sword, and weasel skull(sorry buddy). I am trying to recover my memory and stop being undead. And I have 24 hours and I have to keep track of what time it is. Sounds great. Wait. it turns out I have 24 hours to look for the "staff of waterdeep".

Section 3 Introduction again:

OK, that was jarring. Back to the narrative though. A lich is telling me what to do. I have already finished my first glass of wine and I still haven't gotten to make any choices. Ok. the lich says i have to find the staff that can destroy it even though it is scattered around Waterdeep in 12 parts not hurting him. You're losing me Varney. Cool lich drawing though.

You can ask about most of the items in this picture, which is weird and didn't really move the story forward. 

Guys. A cerebricule is a magic shrunken head. Now I get to make my first decision. IT's to ask about the liches wardrobe and some other stuff. I ask about one of the rings on his hand. It's the lich's wedding ring. The lich is a chick; now I am finding out about her ex-husband. Varney is back in top form.

Section 4: Adventure Time

Actually time for a flashback where I recall my past life. Turns out the liches ex husband and I used to hang out. The weasel skull is starting to get annoying. It's a know-it-all. I'm treating this like a seder in that I'm pouring a second glass of wine.

This is the cemetery. It's pretty

I've been poking around for a while and the shrunken heads fake Haitian accent is starting to get ridiculous. It's about 40 minutes in and I have gotten the skull drunk in the Hall of Heroes and wasted an hour. The skull is singing in Haitian accent. I am sure this is offensive.

In this picture you can see the bottle of wine I gave to the shrunken head. 

Now I am at a theater with a shitty stand up comic ghost. Maybe don't buy this book. After reading about the ghosts stand up routine I was able to get a piece of the staff of waterdeep. I also lost 2 hp from listening to shitty jokes. Allen Varney is a psychopathic madman.

This is the depiction of Waterdeep. It's covered in sleep gas or else there would have been way more buildings to draw. 

I am going to take a break. Varney did too good of a job capturing the atmosphere of seeing a shitty stand up comic.

Estate Sale Haul

I picked up some classic modules at an estate sale the other day. There are numerous reviews and retrospectives of these guys. Here are some:

• Steading of the Hill Giant Chief
• Expedition to the Barrier Peaks
• Queen of the DemonWeb Pits

So, I am just gonna look at some pictures. 

Steading of the Hill Giant Chief

 This first picture is what Steading of the Hill Giant Chief is all about. It's not about unknowable inscrutable monsters in an alien underworld. It's a Jack and the Beanstalk tactical simulator. The description for the Kitchen says it is "a typical giant kitchen." I wonder what background knowledge about the "typical giant kitchen" Gary expected us to have.

Expedition to the Barrier Peaks

This picture is what Expedition to the barrier peaks is all about. You think you are playing dungeons and dragons and then the dm shows you a picture of a sexy android or something and he is working out. It's 1981 so you roll with it. Then you get hit by a dumbbell  for 2-20 points of damage and you are pissed. You complain and the dm says that the shirtless humanoid tells you "to hustle or you won't make the team." Later a rabbit or something kills you. 

 Or maybe you get hugged to death by vegetables while monkeys laugh at you. The Dm is not laughing at you though. He is a neutral referee. 

 I present this image without comment.

Queen of the Demonweb Pits

I wonder how I would have felt in 1980 if I bought this adventure, took it home, opened it up and found out this was the map. The map does not show the rooms described in the adventure, which is crazy. I also don't  understand how the levels interact with each other. The adventure says that they are on different levels of the abyss and you change levels through teleportation gates. If that is the case what is the point of having them overlap like this. Let me check and make sure I'm getting this right. Ok. that is wrong there is a whole section on how to climb up and down the levels.  cool. But also weird. page 7 describes how to climb up/down the web to different levels and then page 8 says that the "number of the level does not refer to elevation, but only the progression (by way of teleportation rooms)." Confusing. 

On a more positive note, all driders should resemble overweight elves. I want a mini that looks like this as opposed to all the drider minis with abs.

I like the juxtaposition between the quasi historical castle in the foreground and the far out over the top fantasy stronghold in the back. This picture encapsulates a lot of what dungeons and dragons is all about.

Surprise. This is another sci-fi adventure! You're on an inter-dimensional space(?) ship. On this metal dimension hopping ship with control panels and voice tubes, there are ogres who sleep on beds of straw. It's a ship hewn from pure chaos, so you should abandon any preconceived notions you might have about what belongs on a high tech ship created by a god. Gods love to hang out with ogres and bugbears.